At his media-packed press conference this afternoon, held within the legendary platinum-and-clubbed baby seal skin walls of the luxurious 98,000 acre gold and diamond encrusted ballroom of the federally-funded "Ronald Reagan Memorial Library and Public Policy Center for The Soul Purpose of Naming Things After Ronald Reagan", Mr. Fred Thompson formally announced that he was launching a Presidential exploratory committee.
To set himself apart from the other assorted troglodytes and cro-magnons seeking the GOP's Presidential nominations for the '08 race, Mr. Thompson has indicated that he will be willing to torture not only suspected terrorists, but randomly chosen American children under five years of age, newborn baby duckies and kittens. He promises to escalate the military hostilities and the violence in the Middle East to include Iran, Syria and even some of the "darker brown" neighborhoods in Washington DC.
His tax policy is basically the same as every other Republican candidate in that it promises to legally exempt from ever paying any taxes what-so-fuggin'-ever, anyone and everyone who inherits or steals multiple billions of dollars from the federal coffers, or from any corporate retirement/investment program and, as a bonus, he promises not to ever indict, prosecute or even say moderately impolite things about any/all crooked corporations or their CEOs.
Regarding science, education and the environment; Fred Thompson's "Let's Just Put The Atmosphere Out of It's Misery" proposal says it all. It has been greeted quite enthusiastically by very environmentally conscious groups such as Exxon, Sunoco and Smog-Belching Phucked-Up Hell Machines Inc. Mr. Thompson's appeal to evangelical Christians is obvious and constitutes an almost text-book example of the GOP's traditional history of right-wing pandering at it's very finest. Mr. Thompson says that he opposes not only same sex marriages but he also indicates he's willing to stone people to death just for being of the same gender and riding together in compact motor vehicles.
Although Mr. Thompson knows full-well that the earth is about 4.567 billion years old, he has assured the Christian Coalition that he will help them - in even blatantly illegal ways - to trick yet another generation of semi-literate legally-married first-cousin-couples to brain-bleach their own profoundly retarded homeschooled children with horrific and openly dishonest anti-science initiatives right out of the dark ages and he promises them unlimited government funding for spreading their idiotic religious ignorance and hateful rhetoric via world-wide broadcasting capabilities using tax-free space-based equipment owned by the American public, allowing them 24-7 begging and scam marketing access to the mindless American citizens - over all the already existing constellations of 700 Club and PTL telecommunication satellite TV networks. He has also promised that he will actively seek-out and grant complete unmonitored access to the public schools to any and all of the faith-based groups most resembling the Branch Davidians and the People's Temple Suicide Cult.
Mr. Thompson also favors revoking the Bill of Rights and taking back the rights of black people and women to vote or to speak openly in public, calling these things "a massive historical mistake". Mr. Thompson said that laws should be enacted immediately to legalize a man's God-Given right to beat the Dixie Chicks to death with a tube sock full of roofing nails, he said that he would personally skin New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin alive and that, within his first 20 minutes in office, he'd sign an executive order making the ownership of hand-grenades, bazookas and briefcase-sized personal thermonuclear devices mandatory. He has also publicly advocated the summary executions of all federal judges appointed by Democrats so that they can be promptly replaced by Eric Robert Rudolph and other abortion clinic bombers.
Mr. Thompson has also expressed an interest in cloning either Adolph Hitler or Augusto Pinochet, failing that, he's already said to have been contacting Satan himself to be his Vice Presidential running-mate. Yes, there's no questioning THIS MAN's conservative credentials. Fred Thompson is DEFINITELY going to be VERY POPULAR with the Republican Party's more-moderate voters.
Yes sir, if Mr. Thompson can re-learn how to speak in the traditional language of men fromTennessee and other impoverished parts of Third World-like the deep south, in grunts, farts, belches, obscene hand gestures and violent, unexpected, undeserved blows to the backs of the heads of those near him, so that southern women will be able understand him, I think we got ourselves a winnaaaaah!
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